I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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