So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
