You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize