I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
