somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
