i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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