stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
