I think I won the penis lottery.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
