I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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