Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
