Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
false alarm. still invincible.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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