remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
