I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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