You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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