I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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