I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
