Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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