dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize