One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
