The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
