Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
