I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
