did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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