I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
