Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
