Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
