right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
