i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
