So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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