alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
