Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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