if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
love makes seman taste better
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
pop tarts are not kleenex
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Please don't give away my fajitas
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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