I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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