new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
