im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
are you so shy because you have an std?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
you didnt know i had herpes?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
