i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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