i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
