someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
