I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
