YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
