eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize