the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
