Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Randomize
