So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
