we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
