my phone needs a breathalizer
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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