Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
