he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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