Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
