the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
birth control should be required to get into college
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
