i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
