I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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