I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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