can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
