hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
