i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
