Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
