mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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