I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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