I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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