I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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