You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
