i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Found the puke drawer
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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