I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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